LLP » fun

On The Blink

reesan — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 12:50:10 +0000

Japanese speakers who learn English as a second language later than childhood often have difficulty in hearing and producing /l/ and /r/ accurately. The advertisement below for the book On The Brink: Inside the Race to Stop the Collapse of the Global Financial System is an example of the difficulty that native Japanese speakers have in perceiving the acoustic differences between English /r/ and /l/.

Hank Paulson, the former CEO of Goldman Sachs, was at the absolute epicentre of the recent economic storm, and his account of how he dealt with the greatest financial crisis since the Great Depression was quite appropriately translated into Engrish: “On The Blink”: an idiom for malfunctioning, out of order or broken. As opposed to “brink”: verge, the limit beyond which something happens or changes, the edge of a steep place.

The book title ‘On The Brink’ suggests that we were on the verge of disaster hanging on the edge of collapse whereas ‘On The Blink’ softens it somewhat to mean a slight malfunction that can be fixed like one of those vintage televisions where you just gave it a hit on it’s side to get it working again.

LLP.

White Trash Charms Japan

reesan — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 12:17:06 +0000

White trash is slur that usually refers to poor white people. The derogatory term suggests a lower social class and degraded living standards. In Japan however White Trash Charms Japan is a boutique store found in Roppongi Hills and, as the name suggests, most likely the exclusive retailer to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. It is also probably the provider of services such as mullet trimming, acid washing, trailer insurance, gun polishing and camel toe alignment.

LLP.

The Wank Pole

reesan — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 10:40:15 +0000

The Wank Pole! I know what you are thinking. A place where otaku congregate to share a good choking of the chicken, waxing of the dolphin, spanking of the monkey or a polishing of Vader’s helmet. A place where you can ‘turn Japanese’ as suggested in the 1980 hit song ‘Turning Japanese‘ by the band The Vapors, popularly interpreted to be a euphemism for masturbation.

Sorry to disappoint. The Wank Pole is a place to tie up your ‘wanko’ outside of convenience stores in Japan. ‘Wanko’ 「わんこ」 is an affectionate term for dog in Japanese. So it is merely a post to clip your dog’s leash whilst you go conbini shopping. If you look close enough at the sign the ‘o’ in ‘wanko’ is actually a paw-print. So, was this a typographic mishap or a sinister ploy by some evil gaijin designer? Perhaps the same evil gaijin who brought us Nuts Bang!!!?

LLP.

How To Live Safely

reesan — Wed, 18 May 2011 11:02:11 +0000

Ever wonder why the crime rate is low in Japan? It’s because homeowners militantly patrol their own homes guarding their property and protecting their families with baseball bats. Who dare fuck with descendants of ninja and samurai?

LLP.

Miracle Fukin

reesan — Tue, 10 May 2011 11:05:26 +0000

It’s a fuckin’ miracle, the cloth made with the micro fiber!

LLP.

MP3 Prayer

reesan — Fri, 22 Apr 2011 05:17:19 +0000

Your prayers have now literally been answered as Apple unveils iGod, the hotly anticipated MP3 praying device! With an MP3 Prayer, you can communicate with your preferred deity or spirit anytime, anywhere. Works seamlessly with the Religion Free DVD Player.

LLP.

Pussy Wind

reesan — Sat, 09 Apr 2011 10:42:24 +0000

Caption This!

Struggling to think of an adequate caption for the Hello Kitty deodorant from Rexona – Pussy Wind – a limited edition, 24 hour intensive anti-perspirant. There has to be a better caption than “Queef In A Can” and it isn’t helping that I’m humming Red Hot Chili Peppers ♪She sees my good deeds and she kisses me windy♪ from the song “Under The Bridge”. Is there an angle on the Bette Midler song “Wind Beneath My Wings” or Bob Dylan’s “Blowin’ in the Wind”? How about Elton John’s “Candle In The Wind”? Maybe there is a slant on the movie “Gone With The Wind” – arghhhhh – “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.”

UPDATE: Thanks to the one and only Jake Adelstein of Tokyo Vice notoriety for this tweet: Hello Kitty says: “I may have no mouth but I have a nose and you stinky. If you want to be with this pussy, wear this.” New slogan!

LLP.

Smokin’ Samurai

reesan — Sun, 03 Apr 2011 11:48:31 +0000

Caption This!

“We’d rather light than fight!” or “I’d walk a mile across feudal Japan for a Camel.”

Apparently a behind the scenes pic of Toshiro Mifune in Sanjuro.

LLP.

Please Wait To Be Entered

reesan — Sat, 02 Apr 2011 10:10:07 +0000

This is either extra service offered at a Sony Japan Walkman conference or the subsequent instruction on the squid porn set after you present your octopus.

LLP.

Please Present Your Octopus

reesan — Sat, 26 Mar 2011 08:51:51 +0000

Caption This!

“Before entering the tentacle erotica set, auditioning squid porn stars are required to check their octopus at the door.”

The sign is actually for the Octopus card, a rechargeable contactless stored value smart card used to transfer electronic payments in online or offline systems in Hong Kong. Launched in September 1997 to collect fares for the territory’s mass transit system, the Octopus card system was the first contactless smart card system in the world and has since grown into a widely used payment system for virtually all public transport in Hong Kong. The Octopus is also used for payment at convenience stores, supermarkets, fast-food restaurants, on-street parking meters, car parks, and other point-of-sale applications such as service stations and vending machines.

LLP.