Poor Fitting Condoms

Mark ‘Danger’ Mills, self-confessed goldmember, free willy lobbyist, polisher of Vader’s helmet and sometimes referred to as ‘Lethal Weapon 4′, contributes this guest post providing remarkable insight into a size issue that concerns most men.

I saw this report on the BBC web site and it peaked my interest. That is to say my interest was peaked; I did not actually ‘peak’ myself. Anyway, the article basically suggests that the majority of condom wearers are being supplied with goods that do not fit properly, having the knock on effect of increased breakage rates and a higher risk of infection. It all seems quite reasonable really except for the comment that, and I quote, “Men are twice as likely to take the condom off midway through sex due to a poor fit”.

Twice as likely as whom exactly? Is there a whole different category of condom wearers we are not generally aware of, other than men, and this mystical category of johnny users prefer a looser fitting raincoat?

It also makes me wonder how we know that the condoms are ill-fitted. Are there a bunch of guys out there who’s mother is checking the fitting for them, and checking the fitting ‘during’ intercourse? “Don’t stop son, just tucking your sleeve in!” Maybe the family dog is responsible, coming in half way through and ripping this loose dangly condom off of the end of men’s knobs. Perhaps even there’s a condom hit squad out there breaking into family boudoirs, rulers and calipers in hand, checking size and fitting.

Frankly, the mind boggles.

Then I got to thinking about what you could do about this phenomena of ill-fitting condoms. Mark’s and Spencer have trained specialists for bra measuring, so perhaps the logical extension of that is a condom fitting service? Can you imagine walking into a chemist to buy a packet of condoms and the assistant pulls out a measuring device, much like the Brannock foot measuring device found in shoe stores, and asks you to unzip.

I once read an article in a womans magazine (yeah, I know, but I only read the smutty bits, honest lads) about penis shapes and sizes and it basically broke them down into 7 distinct categories. I won’t go into that here but I wonder if the condom makers of this world really have the infrastructure in place to create all of these different shapes sizes and, yes I really must say it, angles.

Can you really see men going into their local chemist and asking for a small size pack of prophylactics? Size will always be exaggerated upwards even when ordering on the internet. It is an inbuilt primal instinct of men; like how we don’t like asking for directions. The small size franger packs would end up on the chemist shelves gathering dust whilst guys super-sized themselves.

Personally, I think us lads are doomed to having a bad fitting glove on our extremities. For me, I’ll just have to put up with them feeling tight all of the time.

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